I decided early in the lockdown to turn off all social media and minimise work as much as possible.

As much as this pandemic could be because of the negligence of some, the incompetence of others or any other reason, I firmly believe that there is a Universal meaning to it and that is to PAUSE. To really stop and make time to observe what we are doing to the planet. To go within ourselves and connect with that true self that we forgot too long ago to remember if it’s even real. And that’s what I am doing.

Along this time, I meditate every day, I’m writing an autobiography to understand my patterns, why I react the way I do and find a way to release any trapped emotion so from now on, I can respond instead.

But the most important discovery has been my role as a “housewife”.

I’ve rejected being a housewife all my life. My father always told me to be independent and earn my own money and, as reasonable as that advice could be, the reality is that it made me look at life through just one lens and miss an essential part of it. In fact, the result has been that I’ve focused on work since I can remember and for the last few years, I’ve been struggling to find balance between my personal and professional life, which it’s not that bad when I consider how much I love my job, but the reality is that, whenever I had to pay attention to other matters, I felt as if they were taking something from me. I was stealing time off my work and therefore, I was wasting time. And that took a toll in my personal life.

So now, with the lockdown of the entire planet, I had no excuse. I had to balance my life, because success is not real unless you experience it in all areas of life and this is how I’m doing it:

  • I am looking for new recipes and cooking with all my senses. And you know what? Food have never tasted so good!
  • I’m cleaning my house mindfully, which I always hated, and I’m loving it! Probably because I’ve got rid of the responsibility to have to generate money all the time.
  • I’m taking advantage of the fact that I walk my dog every day, to connect with Nature and the elements and I’ve noticed that birds are singing more than ever and wild animals in general, are more relaxed.
  • I’m focusing on my personal needs, yes, but also my family’s and yet, I’ve even had time to read a novel, realising that I didn’t allow myself to read for the love of it, for a very long time.

The journey is not being a bed of roses though. I have days when I doubt myself and panic. I suddenly think that I’m leaving my business behind and I’m not going to be able to get back on track and I’m going to lose myself. I’m losing my identity. That one is hitting strong.

Just today I found myself crying during my meditation, overwhelmed by sadness because I don’t know who I am anymore.

On one hand, I’m glad because that’s the whole point of meditation, isn’t it? Not to identify ourselves with anything because we ARE EVERYTHING. But on the other hand, I’m panicking because if I’m not a Therapist, a Coach or a Teacher, if I don’t have an identity, I don’t exist…

I guess I have a lot of homework for the next few days. Let’s see where that takes me!

I hope you’re coping wonderfully with the uncertainty we’re all living. It would be fantastic if you want to share your worries or your tricks to cope in the comments, that way we could all help each other.

Anyway, thanks for reading.

All the best.

Susana Salamanca

LOSING MYSELF DURING THE LOCKDOWN
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